Groucho Marx Quotations

Groucho Marx 1890-1977

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

"How much am I paying you folks?" - "Five thousand a year. But we've never been paid!" - "Well in that case I'll raise it to eight thousand".

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Why don't you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

"I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

"This is a gala day for you." Groucho: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Groucho: "Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?" Woman: "All of us? But that's bigamy!" Groucho: "Yes, and it's big-a-me too."

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Woman: "Oh hold me closer, closer ..., CLOSER...!!!" Groucho: "If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you".

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

My favorite Groucho quote came from YBYL, when he had a housewife on who said she had seven children. Groucho said, "Seven? That many?" She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my husband." Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while." (After this one Groucho was never again live on air)

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.